alright, it's no shock to any of you who know me that I am a control freak. I have anxiety hard core. I am a planner to the max and plan out my schedule to the hour the majority of the time. I LOVE being at work because my babies have a strict schedule of due times for medications, hands on, assessment, feeding, weights, linen changes, charting and then holding in between. A control freak paradise. I hear alot of NICU and ICU nurses in general are type A personality, makes sense. We love power and control and organized chaos. The only time I see feathers ruffled by a nurse in the NICU is when her schedule is changed up or a baby decides he/she doesn't like the schedule and starts being "naughty" (sick). So that being said, denial ain't just a river in egypt y'all. ( one of my favorite quotes as you frequent readers know). I thought I was pretty laid back and fun the majority of my life but the last year of counseling for anxiety and panic and lack of control or plan or being" in the know" proved I am NOT EASY GOING. I am uptight most of the time and LOVE to pretend like I am not. I now accept it and try to make it humorous, as humorous as an annoying fly buzzing around your head could possibly be. I am much better and know how to keep the anxiety to a dull roar now, I have tools in my bucket to help me now and I have God. I pray alot about my control issues and to be at peace with the unknown. I have learned alot of this stemmed from always having a schedule that the judge made for me to decide which house I was living at with which family on which day of the week until which time and having to ask permission from multiple parties to change said schedule. I learned to live that way since before I can even remember so when I went to college and I made my own schedule, I went nuts! I failed 2 of my classes my first semester because I decided I wanted control of my schedule and I was skipping class today. Whatever, we live and learn, I rocked it through nursing school (on a tight schedule lol).
The funniest part of all of this is that I am not in control of anything in life, ever, never have been and never will be. God is. Who am I to try to out-plan and out-control the almighty? What a slap in the face I am being to him. Like "yo, God, what's up? oh you think you have a plan for my life, wrong. I am the planner of my life, I have the control and the power, I call the shots on what I do and what happens" and he loves to say " dear sweet Lauren, you are an idiot! I am GOD!! I have a plan for you and have had one since minute one, how many times do I have to prove it to you with super obvious examples for you to get that through your head?" Now I know God would never say that, he's God but he should. Maybe I would understand then. Maybe I would get it. I was crying this afternoon because my plan once again was foiled, my research and hard work and time and energy wasted on something that was never mine to control anyway. How could I not see that this was never mine, it's been his, his plan, his way and him leading me down the path of life.
So in my sadness and defeat I finally realized that, again, and turned to God. I prayed and prayed hard, I talked to my sweet husband who once again talked me off my ledge of disappointment in things not going my way. A true brat I have been in this instance. Mine, My way, ME! ugh I disgust myself. Today was an eye opener. I have been at work the past few nights so I haven't read my devotional lately but every time I open the stinkin book I get a swift kick in the pants with reality about life that goes something like this. "dear Lauren, swift kick, Love, God (as he smiles down at the lightbulb finally going off in my head). Kinda funny that this happens daily as I read. So through my tears I read yesterday and today's that I missed. Yesterday....get this... prepare to be amazed with the almighty and his comedic or not so comedic timing....."Rest in me, my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking my spirit to take charge of the details of this day and tomorrow. Remember that you are on a journey with me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance you don't even feel the strong grip of my hand holding yours. How foolish you are, my child! Remembrance of me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of my presence with you. This will keep you resting in me all day, every day" 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Psalm 62:5.
WOW consider the pants theoretically blown off of me. I cried. DUH! I see it now God and I am sorry. and as the cherry on top of this sundae of reality, the sugar to chase down the hard medicine I took today. The next day is this..."Trust me and don't be afraid, for I am you strength and song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting me and singing my song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts. Do not despise this weakness in yourself, since I am using it to drive you closer to Me. Your constant need for me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort. You are not alone in this struggle for your mind. My spirit living within you is ever ready to help in this striving. Ask him to control your mind. He will bless you with LIFE AND PEACE!" Isaiah 12:2, Romans 8:6.
Ok I get it, you are in control Lord, I will try to be better and let you be that way and I will pray to be at peace with it as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment